sob...sigh...denial

My baby Beck is leaving me...I can't stand it....

grrrrrr......

anyone who has spent any amount of time with me today knows I am whiney and grouchy...oh yeah, and sleepy...maybe I should just go home and watch Snow White and call it a day...AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

my new pic

I am totally at work looking at myspace because I just wanted to upload my new pic...this was our Great Gatsby Book Club night...flapper girls and Kirsten's crazy house...she was part owner in a Gun company that also did big game taxedermy (how do you spell that??) so yes, that is a real cougar and a real tiger head...and a real bear I'm standing on...that girl has the strangest and yet most terribly intersting things in her home...

do ya like?

so I chopped my hair...what do you think? I have a feeling I am going to like it...if you hate it, don't tell me :-)

feel bad for me please

okay, so today I was cleaning my house and I totally slammed my fingers in my closet door...and now they hurt:-( poor me...

Past Blogs..

So this blog is mostly for me, I am actually double blogging...just copying what I post on myspace here so I don't lose it...a back up if you will. These are all my old blogs...

Tears

Here is a small taste of the book "Captivating". If you are a woman I highly recommend reading this book. This particular part of the book was very freeing for me as I have done more crying in the last three months than in the three years previous...and I was starting to think I wasn't normal. Maybe I was less normal when I wasn't crying...tears are good for the soul I think. Anyhow...read on...

"As Augustine wrote in his Confessions, 'The tears...streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested.' Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That's not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there-the tears of a little girl who is lost and frightened. The tears of a teenage girl who's been rejected and has no place to turn. The tears of a woman whose life has been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams. Let the tears come."

sob...sigh...denial

my baby Beck is leaving me...I can't stand it...

A Fabulous Week

So this has been a great week in my life. I am fairly certain it has less to do with my circumstances than it does with my outlook on life these days. I really have been doing good and I know it's by the grace of God because nothing has really changed. That's the amazing thing about putting your hope in God and not in people or circumstances I guess.
But as for good circumstances this has been a good week that way as well. I started the week of at Camp Snoopy riding kids rides with cute kids and my super fun intern, Jenny. Tuesday was the VBS preview which is always fun to attend and we had a great Elder/Trustee meeting that night where we rolled out our new Mission and Vision statements. Wednesday I found out I got a raise..thank the lord above, I need it! Thursday was my book club day...we had a flapper party...we decked ourselves out in flapper wear...granted, my costume was pinned and duck taped together but still fabulous (I just couldn't sit down in it or make any sudden movements!) we watched this crazy video on how to do the charleston that Kirsten rented from the library and played a hilarious game while we ate tons of lavish treats...what a great night. I love those girls. We are about to start reading the book "East of Eden" which I need to buy this weekend. There are already talks of a toga party in our future...but I have a feeling some of our older ladies might revolt if we actually had a toga party :-)And today is Friday...I have some hospital visitations I need to do and I am going out tonight, this should also be another great day. I am glad to finally have many good days in a row instead of the opposite. So that is that...
(Mom, I will try to call you this weekend some time, I haven't talked to you in a while and I know you are going to be having the big meeting this weekend which could determin a lot of things and I will be praying.)

Beautiful and Tragic

I held a two week old tiny baby this morning. He was beautiful. Perfect in every way. Sweet baby smell, tiny baby fingers, pretty baby skin. A life perfectly formed by a loving God. People use the phrase bundle of Joy but I prefer to think of babies as bundles of Hope. All they have in front of them is a future.
Yet here this little sweet boy was, spending his first weeks of life already in the system. Emergency foster care. What is this little guys future? A life in the foster system? Adoption? Going back home to a situation that is hard to believe? Maybe his mom will get it back together and be able to raise him..it is likely I will never know..
So what can I do? I want to do so much but I am so limited.
But my God isn't..so I will pray. This little boy may not have a lot going in his little life right now but he will have me praying. He will have his current foster family praying. They are such big hearted people I sometimes think they are unreal. I would like to think I could do what they do but I think I would just want to keep the children. Maybe someday I will, keep one or two that is...but for now I will pray.

Ode to Joy

So last night I got an opportunity to go to the symphony. Bethoven's Ode to Joy. It was beautiful. The funny thing is that my friend Amy in England told me this week that she was praying I would have more joy in my life...I do not think it was an accident. Here are the words of the first song that was done. I love them.
Beethoven's Choral Fantasy
Flatteringly lovely and sweet are the sounds of our lives' harmonies,and from our sense of beauty there arise flowers that bloom eternally.
Peace and joy glide along amiably Like the varying play of waves;
that which had pressed roughly, in a hostile way, is reshaped into a feeling of exultation.
When the magic of the music holds sway and words are uttered like a consecration,splendid things must come to be, night and storms turn into light.
Outward repose, inward rapture prevail for the fortunate one.But the springtime sun of the arts makes light arise from both of these.
Then great things that have entered one's heart rise blooming anew with beauty,if a spirit has soared upward a spirit choir sings to it constantly.
And so, you beautiful souls, accept gladly the gifts of beautiful art.
When love and strength are wedded, the favor of the gods rewards mankind.

Paris and Duluth...the thing they have in common

So I went to Duluth for a thing...never been before and did not know it was on a Great Lake...I have never before seen a Great Lake and (forgive the cheese) it was Superior to all other lakes, or so I was told! So in the movie French Kiss, Kate really wants to see the Eiffel Tower...every time she is about to see it a bus would drive in front of her and block the view or a door would open and block the view or some other random thing would happen and block her view, you get the idea...well I think this was the case with me and the Great Lakes...I have been to a lot of places where I was close to a Great Lake but never ever saw one...and now I finally have just like Kate eventually did. That is what Paris and Duluth have in common...in a very random way. You should be in my head!

commitment

I have finally committed. I have never made a commitment like this before...and really, I am not sure for how long I am going to stay committed...we shall see...does that mean I'm not really committed? I have no idea...but for today...and almost a week actually, I have decided that my favorite color is Red. Yes, you heard it here first...I have committed to a favorite color! I am going to be living my life in Bright Red I have also decided...when I figure out exactly what that means I will let you know but for now it means taking risks and trying new things and finding the good things in life all around me. So that is that!

my week

In case anyone wonders...I have not fallen off the face of the earth...it's just one of my busy weeks at church...I will be interesting and normal again sometime next week...until then...think of me often and pray that I survive the craziness...and actually, to top off the craziness, this is the week Ira and Ash actually leave and my family is coming to town this weekend and I am fighting off what I think is a flu bug of some sort...so hopefully next week I will have survived it all!

In with the new

Some people who know me know that I spend my actual Birthday and New Years with my friends Heidi and Kristen every year. Since they moved to Charlotte it has been a little more tricky but they typically donate to my airfare as a gift to get me to town so we can lounge around together and watch endless lifetime movies and play games. It's really a great time. Every couple years Heidi’s friend Amy comes to town too and this year she was also there. This year we did something unusual in that we actually made plans to leave their house to do something. We went to this place called Carowins (no idea how to spell it) where they turn the place into a winter wonderland. Lights everywhere, and lots to do. We watched a musical in a theatre all about Christmas, we saw a water laser light show, rode the carousel, saw tons of crazy costume characters walking around everywhere-a winter princess, a ginger bread man, carolers, chimney sweeps and more, we ate turkey dinner by these interesting heaters they had hooked up for people to stay warm. And my favorite…I rode a crazy roller coaster called Top Gun in the dark…talk about scary…and riding a roller coaster on the middle of winter was just plain funJ It was a really great night. We ended the evening watching a parade with tons of huge floats lit up and everyone dancing…Heidi and I couldn’t resist the urge to stand on the table tops and dance along!
The rest of the weekend I was dog sick…probably used all my reserve energy that first night…I did manage the energy to do a couple fun things though. New Years Eve my friends Twon and Beth got engaged in NC, she has family there and he has friends so they were visiting and it was a total surprise for her. I joined with them and family for a small get together early in the evening which was fun. Then H&K had a party at their house which I then joined and we ate our fill from the chocolate fountain and raised our sparklers high in honor of the New Year.
The next day was pretty relaxed, we went to church, out to lunch and then over to a mutual friend Russ’s house for dinner and a movie. A good day.
Monday is when Amy left and after she was gone we really lounged the day away. We watched Cool Hand Luke and wouldn’t you know my brother text messaged me in the middle of the movie and tells me he is moving Feb1 to St. Louis. I managed to hold it together for most of the movie and told H&K what was up…while they cooked dinner I talked to Ira on the phone and that’s when the crying began. I think H&K weren’t quite sure what to do with me…after I got off the phone with Ira I really lost it, a total melt down. Thank God for good friends, Oreo cookies, sparkling cider and silly werewolf horror movies…I think it was probably good I was with those girls when I found out that one more major thing was changing in my life.
Tuesday was my last day in Charlotte and H had to work so K and I got up, packed me up and headed to lunch and then to a cheesy Zorro movie at the buck theatre...we met H for dinner and then headed to the air port. It was a great day. (minus the moment K thought I was dying from a coughing attack…we pulled over to the nearest drug store and I was back on track shortly after!)
I hate saying good bye to those girls. They are so good to me and I love them to pieces.
So the end of my trip had to end a little interesting I guess…my luggage didn’t make it to Mpls…they left pretty much everyone’s luggage in Charlotte because our airplane was so small…sheesh…so it finally got delivered last night and I can now brush my teeth the proper wayJ hahaha…just kidding…
So now my family (and anyone who likes to read eternally long blogs) should be all caught up on my life.

Out with the Old

So I haven't blogged in a while...here goes!
Christmas
I survived Christmas...it was actually one of my favorites I think. Christmas Eve was fun at church, my family pretty much all arrived, including Brandy and we watched White Christmas until we were all tuckered out...it was a fun night. Then going to church on Christmas morning was also fun, I sang "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" and the whole pastoral staff made up the worship team, including a little mini choir...I got a microphone though so I didn't have to stand on the risers which was nice:-) They had us all wearing these silly Santa Hats and Reindeer antlers and other strange hats. It was a nice time.
Ashley, Ira and Beck got into town that afternoon and eventually we all ended up at my house where we exchanged gifts and ate dinner and just hung out. We started a tradition last year where we compete (always have to have a competition with the Baldwin kids!) to see who wraps their Christmas gift the most creatively. Ira has won two years in a row. This year he had my sister and he wrapped her gift in 2X4's. He nailed and screwed them together and made a box which she couldn't get into with out the help of my tool kit. It was very funny watching her unscrew her Christmas gift. He also wrote "this end up" on all sides of the gift so that was funny too. Only Ira.
The next morning we met to exchange stockings. We were all sad to see Santa go as we grew up so decided to do it ourselves. We exchange names for these too and I had Ira's name so I thought I'd attempt to give him a little of his own medicine. His stocking was smaller than my hand and only had one little gift in it. Eventually I gave him his real gifts but it was funny to see him open his tiny little stocking. We had a huge breakfast together that morning, also at my house, and then lounged the day away. I bought Ira a DVD of Arnold's workouts...some kind of documentary called Pumping Iron...which we got to enjoy most of the day (what was I thinking??! ha!)
It was a very busy time but it was so nice to have everyone together and at my house this year.
Props to my sister Jessi for all the cooking she did! She always says she's not that good at it but really she is one of the best cooks I know so I was glad she helped so much in that area.
My Birthday
So this year was definitely one of the best Birthday's I have ever had. After our Christmas brunch with the fam, I opened all the gifts from my parents and grandma. Ira, Jess, Brandy and Ash said they were going to give me their gifts later and I said something to the effect of "I've heard that before..haha" and I think I annoyed them enough to actually get me presents and throw me a party...LOL. It was very nice though, and for throwing a party together for me at the last minute it sure was a good one. They gave me some really great gifts and Ice Cream at Sebastian Joe's is always on my list of things I like to do. The fam did good this year!!!!
I also threw myself a little birthday party the night before I left town...it was very last minute and I only invited a couple people but it was nice...Twon, Andy, Matt, Rachel and I had a nice time playing cards and the boys even taught Rach and I how to play poker. I think I may be good at it...but only if I play with candy...I'd be to nervous to play with money I think :-)
Anyways, their is a little more birthday fun to write about but it will be in my next blog about going to NC.