Sunday, July 22, 2007

broken and grateful

So I haven't talked about this much since it all happened...it was to sad for me for a long time. And I had talked about it more than enough as I was living through it.

I decided to blog about it finally because I actually saw him a couple nights ago....from a distance...he was walking and I was a pretty good distance away...I know he's married now...I hope he's happy. I had an "aha" moment where I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am grateful that things worked out like they did.
I love the Sara Groves song "What I Thought I Wanted". It definately applies here. I'll post the lyrics below.

So roughly two years ago my heart was broken. And he took his sweet time doing it. We were best friends. We had a ton of history...roughly 10 years worth...I had met him when he came to visit my college (I was a year older)...he ended up attending the next year and since we had the same major we had classes together...we had friends in common...we had music in common...for a few years it was a very casual aquaintance. For our last year of college it was a friendship leaning towards being more...a lot more...we both tiptoed around it because we didn't want to "complicate" things. We graduated college and saw eachother here and there but then both got busy and were in full time ministry...I was okay with having lost track of him for a while because I knew I'd fall hard for him if I spent a lot of time with him and I really didn't think that was what I wanted...several years passed...something happened and we crossed paths again...instantly we began spending every minute together. We really just enjoyed eachother...he was my confidant and I was his. He started becoming my "plus one" and I his......we never talked about why...just got all dressed up and went with the flow...we went out at least once a week...to dinner, to the movies, on walks, adventures...He finished my stories for me and I had heard his so often I could tell them in detail...I could feel myself becoming more entangled as we went along.

I didn't know what he was thinking and didn't want to assume...eventually I had to know....it was like the big pink elephant in the middle of the room neither of us was talking about...I finally brought it up and we talked for a long time about where we both were and what we were thinking...he said he needed to figure out if he wanted to pursue our feelings or not...he wasn't sure. But he had been feeling the same way I had...he said he felt the pressure of us "officially" dating turning instantly into talk of marriage. Not from us but from the people in his church and his family...I said that wasn't what I wanted and screw what other people think...he was majorly jumping ahead and worrying about things I didn't even know if I wanted...he said he just needed some time. I said that was fine, time is fine. That's sort of the point. Take the time to figure it out...together. We continued to act like we were dating with out the title...I gave him his space and didn't force the issue...he knew what I wanted and where I stood and I was standing in front of him.

Skip ahead 7 months...I figured I'd given him enough time. 7 mo is a long long time to leave your heart completely exposed to someone who isn't sure what he wants...I still don't know how I survived the indicision. Eventually we talked and it became very clear that he still didn't know what he wanted but it was clear he didn't want me. I was in to deep to just say "okay, well...glad we got that off the table" He knew it and I knew it....maybe 7 mo earlier when we had talked I could have just moved past it as a blip in our friendship...but not at this point. It is wierd to say we broke up when we never officially dated...but that's exactly what we did. I cried. My sister let me call her at 4 in the morning to cry. I cried 'till I couldn't cry any more. I cried in the shower. I cried when I drove. I cried any time I was in a worship service...the presense of God knocks down any walls I may have constructed...always has. I had lost my best friend and I had lost something I had hoped for for a long time that would work out. It was an ending. Eventually I stopped crying and I tried to find the good in what had happened. I'll admit it was hard to find. My life felt like there was a huge hole in it. The person I had spent all my time with, the person I told all my stories to, the person I could always count on wasn't a part of my life any more. I was a little lost to say the least. And I felt so rejected.

I really had to turn my face to Jesus. I was so thankful for a sister who would let me talk and talk and talk. For my girls in NC who encouraged me and loved on me. For my brand new nephew who I could sit with and hold and smell his sweet baby smell and forget all about what I had lost because he was such a bundle of blessing and potential and could distract me to no end with his sweet baby coo's and smiles.

And you know something...I learned that I have the capacity to love deeply. And I know I want to. I walked away with a lot of hope for the future. If I could love someone so much and survive it ending, imagine how much I could love if I shared a future with someone. That is exciting to me. I can hardly wait for that to get started.

I truly did leave that relationship broken and grateful.



What I Thought I Wanted
by Sara Groves

Tuxedo in the closet, gold band in a box
Two days from the altar she went and called the whole thing off
What he thought he wanted, what he got instead
Leaves him broken and grateful

I passed understanding a long, long time ago
And the simple home of systems and answers we all know
What I thought I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful

I keep wanting you to be fair
But that’s not what you said
I want certain answers to these prayers
But that’s not what you said

When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

What I thought I wanted
What I thought I wanted
What I thought I wanted
What I thought I wanted

Staring in the water like Esops foolish dog
I can’t help but reflect on what it was I almost lost
What it was I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and grateful

I’m broken and grateful
I want to be broken and grateful
I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful, grateful
I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful, grateful

3 comments:

Jamie said...

A crack addict once dumped me and shortly got another girl pregnant, then came to the gas station where I worked to parade her around. Two weeks later he asked me on a date. A few months later I met my lobster. Yours too will come. I hope you never have to deal with a jerky crack head before that time. ((((hugs))))

Lance said...

Every story that we are in is our own, whether we know it or not. Indirectly from your story I wrote a brief post based upon what I knew of that near meeting. Thanks for the comment, sleep will now come quickly.

Cookie M. said...

What you wrote touched me. I went through that pain too. Dated an alcoholic for 4 1/2 years.

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