Friday, November 30, 2007

from beginning to end

Today has been lovely. From the beginning where I spent the morning with a group of delightful women sharing stories and cookies and laughter, to the end where I spent the evening out on the town in good company, with good food and good music.

I'd write more but I can't keep my eyes open.

Good night wonderful world!


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(Lisa made us all aprons with our names on them...darling! I just love mine...I love it so much I don't ever want to ruin it so I don't think I will ever cook again!)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I can't

I'm really trying.

This song keeps running through my spirit. Better a song than a sigh.

Much to worry about. Much to hand over to God.

We've been talking since I was a little girl. When you've known someone that long...words aren't always necessary. He hears heart cry's and deep calling to deep. He brings rest.


hmmm, hmm, hmm, hmmm...my constant friend is he...





Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.
"Let not your heart be troubled," His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.
Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

big imaginations and no inhibitions

Someone reminded me of a funny memory today. A couple years ago here at my church I worked with almost a completely different set of people, including some ladies who I am still friends with. We stayed such good friends because all of us thought imagination was way better than reality and every conversation we had seemed to revolve around concepts and ideas and big dreams and NEVER about work...it was a little rule we put in place...I think if the idea was suggested now with the people who are currently here I'd get funny looks.
Anyhow...with these particular ladies we were always coming up with crazy ideas...including the one I was reminded of today. We heard our senior pastor mention that he thought the song "It's raining men" was funny...so we found the song, arranged a dance routine, practiced endlessly, and then at the staff christmas party we proceeded to steal the show with our umbrella's and feather boa's. I believe there is video footage somewhere as proof...it could likely come back to haunt me at some point but it lives pretty large in my imagination anyhow.
We got the best reactions from people and never laughed so hard. Laughter is such a gift. Friends with big imaginations and no inhibitions are a gift too.
This is only one of the many antics we participated in. I have a feeling tonights christmas party won't involve dancing or feather boa's. How unfortunate.

together

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

remembering

Tomorrow night is the staff christmas party. One of my very first blogs two years ago I wrote about the same event. Seems like nothing has changed and everything has changed since then.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Just as I am

There's no one better to be me than me.

I like the guys I work with.

I made cookie dough tonight. Not sure if I'll get to the actual cookie baking part though cause I'm tired.

I've managed to lose another like 8 lbs. I'm officially skin and bones.

Gary came over and put in a motion light and helped me finally hang my light fixture that's been down for like 2 mo.

I was reminded of a hymn tonight that is precious.

If I am remembering correct Billy Graham always ended with this song. Which if you read the words, makes sense.

Speaking of BG...I wish my friend kristen wasn't in china...not cause I don't want her to be in china but I really don't like when she's not a phone call away. I will get to see her though at the airport in a week so I guess that's one good thing about her and her world travels. I think she might buy me a chinese purse too ;) hint hint...do they let you read my blogs in China???


Just as I am

Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To Thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need in Thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, Thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because Thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, Thy love unknown
Hath broken every barrier down;
Now, to be Thine, yea, Thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, of that free love
The breadth, length, depth, and height to prove,
Here for a season, then above,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!


Oh to be accepted 100% for who you are where you are no matter what. Thank you Jesus.

Monday, November 26, 2007

just a little sex talk...

I went to a seminar today called Redeeming the Sexual Generation; sexuality and the church. The speaker was Sy Rogers.

I wish to high heaven I could somehow communicate one tiny bit of what I listened to today.

I bought a CD set and maybe if I listen to it a few times I will someday be able to articulate some of it.

It was basically a day talking about sex and spirituality. A topic near and dear to soooooo many and yet rarely talked about in the church...or if it is talked about it's dumbed down to "don't do it" and that's that. The crazy thing is we live in a culture that doesn't just talk about sex but is literally saturated in it. From ads to tv shows and movies to music to tabloids to you name it! It is considered "normal" to be intimate with someone after going on a few dates...I wouldn't necessarily let someone know where my house is before 3 dates much less sleep with them! but that is "normal". It is "normal" to be sexually active by the time you are 12 years old. Can you imagine how hard some kids lives are because they just want to be "normal". The memories they will have to live with? The pieces of themselves they freely hand out and can never get back because it is "normal".
I am convinced more and more every day that "normal" is not normal.

What would our culture look like if it valued self control over self indulgence? If being a virgin was normal instead of so unheard of.

What would happen if people found love and worth from the God who lovingly created them instead of from their sex lives?

And I'm all for sex, don't get me wrong. I plan to have a lot of it some day (my mom reads this). With someone who is committed to spending a life time with me. And not a second before we declare it in front of God and witnesses and whatever beach I happen to be standing on at the time. (a girl can dream) And I am fully aware that just because you get married doesn't mean you are all of a sudden in some "safe" zone..but at least doing things in the right order sets you up for some success.

I know I'm not normal. But I can live with that because I happen to be a person of deep convictions and I have a pretty great self esteem and I have a level of accountability in my life as well. Up to this point I have managed to keep a level of self control in this area of my life. Believe me it's not that I haven't been tempted. Far from it.

"Proverbs 27: 7 says, "He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet". In psychological terms that means sexual temptation has little power to trap the person who has grown up feeling valuable and loved, because that person doesn't need sex to feel loved. But for the person who has grown up feeling unloved and not valued, sexual temptation will be strong, because bad love seems better than no love at all." (Sy Rogers)

So many people have bought into the idea of "normal" and are walking around feeling defeated and like there is no other way than to keep on with the self indulgence and patterns of sexual behavior they are in. Yes it takes hard work, yes it takes retraining of the mind and body, yes it involves self control, yes it seems overwhelming...but with the grace of God and with the desire for more of a true love that compares to no other kind of love...the kind of love that would lay down their life for you, the kind of love that takes you right where you are at, the kind of love that never fails...the kind of love that Jesus offers. It is not impossible, and in fact is desirable.

anyhow...just a few of my ramblings after drinking from a fire hose of information all day today.

I suggest checking out this guys website and buying some of his resources if this kind of thing interests you at all.

syrogers.com

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Go Elf Yourself!

This will seriously make you laugh.

I think if there was ever a moment when all of my siblings and I got along and were in the same room at that very moment this might be what it looks like...

Elf Yourself!

mixed emotions

mixed emotions make for a very sick feeling. on the one hand....but then on the other...

So I hide. And escape. And put on a smile. And fake it 'till I make it.

This pertains to so much. Not just the recent.

I find it harder to recover each time. but not impossible.

inside of me is a wanderer. flitting from one thing to another. over and over. always looking for proof that I'm wrong. someone please prove me wrong.

but I know. because it's all i've seen

there have been glimpses of proof but so distant. like a mist.

and yet...

Saturday, November 24, 2007

packin' heat

It was Ira's idea. So we headed to the farm.

My uncle asked me about the chair in his living room, did it look any different or special at all?
I paused, looked and said "um...it's purple?"
He walked over, picked the chair up, flipped it upside down and pulled a 45 out of the foam cushion underneath. Yup, that's different and special all at the same time.

Whatever, he can store his guns in seat cushions or in gun cases or whatever he wants...just so long as I can shoot em once in a while!

We headed out to the back deck and the boys proceeded to hand me gun after gun after bullet after gun to try my hand at them all. I could tell by Ira's eyes which one's were going to kick. He looked just a little to happy handing me the rifles. Whatever, they might have kicked but I still managed to hit the stinkin' targets! I shot a clay pigeon, a bowling ball, a teddy bear, a gourd. To name a few of the things I was aiming at!
At one point Ira used his new gun to shoot a target 250 yards away. Only problem, in order to see if he hit it we had to make the long walk to look! so we took a pistol along with us so we could shoot a little more once we got down to the target. Of course he hit it. Then he took a shot with the pistol about 20 yards off and hit it again...I took the same shot and hit his bullet hole square on! I believe he said something to the effect of "I can't believe my sister is as good a shot as I am, I've been doing this for years!"
Can I help it if I'm good?!
granted I can't feel my right shoulder...


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Friday, November 23, 2007

black friday

We left bright and early and the first two stores we stopped at had no lines. We figured out why when we walked into Kohl's and the line wrapped around the ENTIRE store. Actually it was two lines, that met in the back of the store...there was probably 10 ft between the ends of both lines...
my mom and sister in law, ash, are die hard shoppers...me, not so much. I told them that I would rather pour lemon juice on every tiny cut and hangnail and open wound I've ever had than stand in either of those lines. I somehow convinced them that we could leave the store with out making a purchase and we'd be okay. I am still not sure how I got them out..

me: why the heck would anyone stand in one of those lines??? these people are nuts!
ash: because freakin' high ho cheerio is only a doller ninty nine that's why!

I will spend the extra 4$ and buy her the "freakin' high ho cheerio game" at target some leisurely afternoon.

The rest of the day was filled with naps and kids and movies and left over turkey. Not a bad black friday really. And I found some great face moisturizer at target so there ya go! what more can ya ask for in a day!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Moment to be thankful for

Life is made up of moments. Each one means something. Each one is connected to the past and deeply connected to the future. How you handle this moment effects what other moments come your way. There are things that happen in between moment too, breathing, living, thinking. praying, seeking, walking, waiting, waiting, waiting, building...and so much more.

"Oh. if life were made of moments,
Even now and then a bad one-!
But if life were only moments,
Then you'd never know you had one."


Today was filled with moments of love. Yes it made for a pleasant day, but it is an investment into the future of each and every relationship I have.

Tomorrow is a new day. New moments, built upon the ones shared today. Precious memories made.

"Let the moment go...
Don't forget it for a moment, though."

I won't forget Beck asking me for a kiss. or Evie snuggling in for a nap. or my dad crying when he saw me come in the house. or calling my sis and passing the phone to everyone else to say hi. or my moms labor of love. or ira swallowing all his food with out chewing...really. or mike and jess being with us. or miss Eliana's loving on her baby friend. or all the kids screaming through the house. and all the adults stepping over them when they barreled through their paths. or all the kind texts and voicemail's I received.

so many moments to be thankful for today.

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just call me big jess

I just unloaded and settled into the basement of the house I'll be staying in for a few days. I was in the bathroom putting on my make up when I heard a bunch of the kids (don't know their names yet) talking.

Girl: Jamie's down here!
Boy: Who's Jamie?
Girl: She's just like Jessi, only bigger.
Boy: oh, okay. does she have the same name?

Lovely. I am the big version of my little sister...just call me Jessica! that will make 3 of us! sister jess, sister in law jess, and big jess.

sweet.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Oh Snow!

I stood outside, face turned to the sky, eyes closed, snow flakes brushing my skin.

I love snow.

The first snow.

Smells good.

Taste's good.

Feels like magic.

a new day

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.

as much as I don't like endings...I love beginnings ;) today is a new day. yes this has not been my year in the big picture of things but every day has held it's own special joys. today will too.

I am participating in a cookie exchange this year...so if anyone's hungry...come visit! I will soon be laden with christmas cookies galore and while I know I will want to eat them all myself...I am willing to share ;)

I leave today to spend the holidays with my family. I pray all goes well.

can't wait to kiss on my babies ;)

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

weary

I'm weary of my life. I got dumped today, in an email. I was also greeted by an email implying I don't do my job. I'm sick of being sick. My money tree hasn't sprouted where I planted it. All the people I wish were close are very far away. T-mobile bites. I'd go on but it would just sound even more like complaining.

makes me so tired.

and yet i can't sleep. can't shut my mind off. can't find peace.

I seriously wish I could go back to my living room on Dec 31, 2006 and warn myself of all that was to come...maybe I could have avoided it all and found an island to relocate to. maybe that's what I should do for '08.

if I live that long.

(drama I know)

Monday, November 19, 2007

I have a theory

I think that when the roto rooter men came and used their very noisey beast of a snake root cutting machine thingy that it was so loud that it scared the little critter right back out the hole it came in...
the live trap is still set, the apple and peanut butter is untouched. which also gives me hope that I am mouse free too.

I took today off to do some things around my house. I am much more comfortable being here knowing I am truley alone!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

approval

I seek approval in the strangest places sometimes. I can feel myself doing it and can't seem to stop it. The latest?
My college choral director is now on staff at my church and is my co worker...he was always someone in college I was seeking approval from when it came to my voice. The odd part about it is I know I have a good singing voice, I didn't need his approval to know I could sing...and yet...a compliment from him was worth loads more than a compliment from anyone else. Last night I sang with his son at church and funny thing was I could feel myself wanting his sons approval because I know he'd tell his dad if I did a good job or a bad one. either way I'd be found out. so when he sat down beside me today and said he had heard I'd done a great job last night it was a big deal for me. I already knew I'd done a good job. I'm not into false humility and I also know I'm no rock star. I just know what I'm capable of.
My struggle is to know what to do with this need for approval. This is just one way it came out. Not really to bad of a way in the grand scheme of things...but it's a symptom of something greater nonetheless. Something for me to chew on and pray about for sure.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

inside of me

there is something inside of me that no amount of talking or writing can articulate. sometimes for a brief second music reaches that place inside of me, a moment of harmony or a crescendo or a moment of silence between measures, captures that feeling in a way that leaves me breathless. I had a last minute opportunity tonight to go to the concert of a friend...someone whose music always seems to be able to capture that thing inside of me in a way that can bring tears to my eyes. something from the soul. A connection to that part of me that only the heart of God knows. I am so thankful for moments like these.

something I need

a clean house. it's so not right now. but it will be very soon. and besides the strange noises from the basement I think I could possibly (fingers crossed) be mouse free. my water is flowing freely now so I can do laundry and dishes to my hearts content.

parents left this morning. it was a quick and nice visit. I will see them and more next week so it wasn't to hard to say good bye.

Miss Scarlett in the Atrium with a teapot!

Last week I played the game Clue a ton. Each time we played I was Miss Scarlett cause her red dress was so pretty. Tonight I wore a red dress and someone actually called me Miss Scarlett and I laughed and laughed cause it just seemed like the perfect compliment in light of my latest adventures.

I had such a lovely evening. My mom and I always have such a good time when we go into complete girly mode. Our church hosts a holiday tea each year and there are probably 75 tables filled with lovely women and lovely table settings, each table is uniquely decorated by the table hostess so there is a lot of variety and tastes shown off.

My table was filled with delightful ladies and even some little girls (just seems right to have little girls at a tea party). Our servers are men from the church who put on white shirts and black bow ties and wait on us hand and foot...not bad if ya ask me ;) One of the ladies brought the english Crackers and we all popped them open, put on our crowns and read the funny jokes inside...we were the fun table!

After the night was finished mom and I headed to walmart in our dresses (and flip flops cause the heels came off at the first possible second) to buy some red hair dye! mom's a red head now and looks so pretty :)

We set the live trap in the basement and I am a little afraid to check it in the morning...there must be a chipmunk or squirrel or a rat down there...I found the wrapping paper I heard it tearing apart earlier and the teeth marks are rather large...yipes.

Miss Scarlett may kill something tonight yet! well, trap it anyways...either way!

Here are some fun pics!

My cute dad chillin' at home...
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My pretty mommy!
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Do I look like I posed...cause I totally posed.
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Fun friends!
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The napkin rings...fabulous!
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Friday, November 16, 2007

waiting

I'm currently waiting for the roto rooter man to come fix my pipes...basement just flooded...blah

I'm also waiting to see if I remember how to set my live trap...pretty sure there's something bigger than a mouse in my basement currently...that's what I get for complaining about mice!

I'm also waiting to see if the roto rooter man yells because said large animal makes an appearance...wouldn't that be funny? someone else in my house yelling like a girl? hehe

I talked my mom into dying her hair red tonight. didn't take much convincing really...conversation went something like this...

jamie: lets dye your hair red tonight
mom: okay what color red should I do?

I can't wait :)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

TLC

So my parents are here for a couple days. My mom is here to go to a big huge girly tea party with me and my dad is here cause he can't stay home alone (long story)...poor guy gets to listen to us prattle on about table clothes and place card holders and devon shire cream dishes and chair decorations and center pieces and...well, you get the idea...

my mom came bearing gifts...also known as supplements...she's a health nut and knows a lot about what works for natural remedies and all that stuff...so I will now become a pill popper and hopefully my energy will increase and my health will get back to a good spot...at this point I will do anything because I am truly tired of being tired.

mom also rescued some of my traps (ew gross!) and we caught number eight...not quite a hundred but pretty dang close if you ask me!

anyhow...we made a late night run to walmart to buy things like salad tongs (since my current ones are used for mouse removal i needed the real thing for actual salad, go figure) and pie servers and tulle and other such nonsense. I finally found a winter jacket too which was nice...I had a gift card to use up so that covered that and now I will be somewhat stylish and warm for the winter which is always a good thing.

anyhow, it was a good day and I am glad my parents are here. mama's are good for TLC ;)

(she just said I need to google mice and see how often they have babies so I know what I'm up against...dang...)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

yelling like a girl might scare em away!

So right after I posted that blog earlier...a mouse ran right in front of me across my living room floor. At which point I yelled like a girl, grabbed my keys and drove straight to walgreens to buy better traps...ones the little buggers couldn't lick the peanut butter off of and get away alive! oh yes, and some poison.

so I set all the traps and sat down on my couch and not 5 minutes later one of the traps snapped...

at which point I confirmed the death and then yelled like a girl and called my mom. yes I called my mommy. and then of course I pulled out my handy dandy mouse removal kit....aka: salad tongs, rubber glove and target bag...and disposed of the body...and the trap...which I have caught major flack for from several people...feel free to come over and remove the dead mouse (make that MICE!) yourself! I just can't make myself do it...dead mice make me yell like a girl and the thought of actually touching anything associated with the dead mouse...well...I might be sick. the only reason I say "might" is cause I haven't actually touched a dead mouse or trap so I don't know for sure...but I am not willing to find out.

So then I came home tonight and found another in a trap...at which point I yelled like a girl and then apologized to my friend burke I was talking to on the phone with at the time...and again disposed of the body...thank God for the salad tongs!

seriously I do not know how I am going to sleep tonight...I think I will move my bed so it's not touching any walls or night stands or anything that could be climbed...and blankets will be minimal and not ones that could hang over the edge where a mouse could climb up the fabric...I'll keep the lights on cause...I don't know why it just seems better somehow...and ear plugs so I can't hear them scratching away or be woken up by the sound of traps snapping...

oh my gosh! maybe I'll just stay up all night. seems easier.

you know how people say "if there's one mouse there's a hundred!" you don't think they seriously mean a hundred do you?
mommy!!!

not so funny

remember that kids joke...

what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

"finding half a worm"

I have a new one....

what's worse than finding a dead mouse in a trap?

"finding all the peanut butter licked off of the other 3 traps"

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I want more spumoni

The Italian Job is done ;-) The kids parents came home from Italy today. Bearing gifts and with stories to tell. I joined them for Rian's birthday dinner which was lovely and it was fun to see the kids all excited to see their parents and tell them all the stories of the things we did this week. I wasn't all that hungry so I had spumoni for dinner ;) yum!

I've spent a ton of time driving today so it's nice to finally land for the night..I'm at a hotel north of the cities to catch the tail end of a kids pastors retreat...I was rather excited to have a hotel room to myself, I still am but I'm waiting for the pool to close down before I attempt sleep cause it's a little noisy...and it sounds like someone is trying to learn the Adam's Family jingle on a piano somewhere near by...same part over and over with missed notes at the same spot...strange...

anyhow...i'm not feeling very interesting at the moment. but somehow i have still managed to make this long...

I'll end by sharing something that made me giggle today...it's really dumb...and funny...all at the same time....



made me want to buy organic food from now on...and watch star wars...hmm...


today was good.

Monday, November 12, 2007

little joys

so as long as I can remember I have loved going to garage sales, thrift stores, antique shops...places people discard their "junk" and I find treasures.
I had about an hour to kill between picking some kids up and dropping others and...wait, there was no dropping come to think of it...just lost of picking up...from the 4 corners of the earth which is rather ironic since there are only 3 kids...anyhow...between pick ups I had miss dollie with me and we decided to go to Goodwill for a while to pass the time. She had never been in a Goodwill before...I must say it was a delight to watch her dig through the shelves of "junk" and realize that if she looked hard enough she could find treasures as well...her words and my thoughts exactly. I left the store with two delightful gifts which I cannot talk about in this blog as the recipients are both faithful readers...and miss dollie got a new barbie for a dollar.
a very fruitful treasure hunt!

after we finally picked everyone up and were headed home I heard miss dollie ask gav in the back seat what he'd do if she died...to which he replied..."I'd be sad for 2 seconds and then I'd say 'easy come easy go'" which made everyone laugh and then gav asked her what she'd do if he died and she said "I'd be sad for 2 seconds and then I'd say 'easy come easy go'" at which point gav accused her of being a copy cat...to which she replied "I was born a copy cat!" "yeah you were" "yeah you were" "stop coping me" "stop copying me" "what?" "what?" "why are you doing that" "why are you doing that" "seriously stop" "seriously stop".....you get the idea...

and now I am sitting here at the table making sure gav does his homework and doesn't eat candy...way harder than it sounds...

it's my last night here, tomorrow the parents come home. It has been a joy to watch these kids. I am ready though to sleep in my own bed and not have miss dollie nearby snoring...who knew such a cute little thing could be so noisey!

in other news.
doctors reports are in. I'm mostly normal ;-)~ nothing serious. she did have a page of info to go over with me about my antibodies blah blah something something (I have it written out) and said it might take another 6 mo before I start feeling like myself again, no treatments available...lovely...I guess my pace in this crazy life needs to slow even more. Not easy to hear for someone who loves being busy.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

PS

the cat has returned bringing with it mystery, intrigue, drama! the details of which I will never know...

urp urp and more urp

Today was an urpy day. Babies urping all over me every where I turned. Sweet darling little baby urp everywhere. Time to make a visit to the dry cleaners!
I felt bad for one of the toddlers I was standing near holding one of the urpy babies...urped right on her...missed her head and landed on her shoe...and all down my leg...figures. of course babikins was clean as a whistle.
We also had baby dedications today and I had the pleasure of dedicating miss Ruby G. What a sweet smiley baby...and my favorite part? she didn't urp on me!

I laughed out loud when one of the little girls after church walked up to me and told me I smelled great today. "like you took a bath" hahaha...a bath in baby urp! I did try a new scent today...old actually, used to wear it in highschool...guess it still works for me ;-) and a compliment like that is as genuine as they come. Kids don't lie about stuff like that. They are usually brutally honest in fact. So everyone in blogland...I smell good today! take a whiff! to bad there's not a scratch n sniff blog feature...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

cat and mouse

the people I am babysitting for have a cat. or at least they did. it's a barn cat that they adopted and let in and out of the house whenever it wants...they feed it but only every few days...anyhow...I am on the verge of being concerned. I haven't seen the cat today. I even searched...

so my question. how many days should I let pass before I actually get concerned? it's only been one so far...and it's a cat...cats hide a lot right? or not right? it's pretty much followed me around up until this point though...

on a completely different note...I set mouse traps in my house yesterday and today we went and checked em and I caught one! woot! I wonder how many more there are..they say where there's one there's a hundred...blah...miss dollie thought the little dead mouse looked cute and gav wanted to see it's head...I wouldn't let him see it...threw the whole thing in the garbage...I don't touch dead things if I can help it. The salad tongs and rubber glove came out for this special occasion (don't worry, they are salad tongs but I don't use them for anything other than mouse removal).

and on a completely completely different note...Carrie Underwood is really pretty...and the dress she was wearing for the CMA's...lovely...pretty little flutterby's on her waist too...so pretty.

I do not love mice.

I do not like losing other people's cats.

I do love pretty things and pretty people and pretty music.

that about sums it up!

oh. my. word.

I am losing my mind.

I ran into church today to grab something, left the kiddlets at home alone...when I got to church I realized I was supposed to speak at a luncheon which I had completely spaced...I ran down to the luncheon (half hour late) just in time to be introduced and to start speaking.

I wasn't wearing any make up but otherwise I was pretty put together.

Talk about wingin' it!

oh. my. word.

not cool jamie.

and of all the days for NO ONE to answer their phones...I called like 8 people and not one person answered...so instead I blog! I always have my little bloggie blog to talk to :-)

did I mention I am losing my mind? hehe

Friday, November 09, 2007

autumn leaves

today's big activity...raking leaves...at MY house!! we had a blast...made the biggest pile of leaves anyone has EVER seen...we even asked the mail man...he sees a lot of leaf piles believe me but ours was the biggest he said ;-)

way more fun raking up leaves with kiddlets around.

we took several hot cocoa breaks. yum!

I think I wore them out.

to bed early I say!

I just have to figure out how to get all the leaves out of miss dollies hair...hmmm...



Thursday, November 08, 2007

another one

so I had another fun day today. aren't you glad to know it?!

my only complaint...pot holders with holes...yes I burned myself and yes it was so worth it cause the cookies were delicious!

cooking in someone elses house for someone elses kids is a bit of a challenge. I'm always up for a good challenge though and I think I've done fairly well so far...they haven't turned their noses up to to much I've put in front of them. I think miss Dollie would eat corn dogs until she turned into one if I let her...which I won't.

earlier tonight Miss Dollie was having a piano lesson in the living room, Gav was helping me cook dinner and Ian was somewhere in the basement talking on his cell phone...not my kids, not my life, not my home...but for just a moment it felt like the future...and it also felt like "Music Man', I think because of the piano lessons...I wanted to break into song...okay, who am I kidding...I did break into song...

"Good night, my someone
Goodnight, my love,
Sleep tight, my someone,
Sleep tight, my love,
Our star is shining it's brightest light
For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.
Sweet dreams be yours, dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight'

of course no one can sing it quite like marion the librarian ;-) but that didn't stop me from trying!

my finger is burning...I must stop blogging and run it under cold water some more...feel bad for me okay?!


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Wednesday, November 07, 2007

part of the secret

Miss Dollie told me today that she wants me to feel at home while I'm staying with them so she's been trying extra hard to make me feel welcome, especially by being ready on time in the mornings...hehe..so cute.

I have been reading to her each night from the Bible and I pray with both kids before they sleep (right after I smooch on em a ton) and praying with them on the drive to school each morning...their mom said it was part of their routine but more importantly it was the thing that mattered the most in how their days and nights went...she didn't think they would survive two weeks with out it. I have no problem filling in, I love to pray with them and I love reading the bible so it works for me great.

It is a lot of fun to hear their comments and thoughts after we pray and read. Last night Dollie just wanted to talk about how great heaven was going to be and all the people she would get to see when she got there, like her grandma who she loves remembering. I actually remember her too and I went to her funeral, which seemed to make Dollie extra happy. Tonight she wanted me to read to her about Jesus and wanted to know what my favorite bible passage was. After reading some stories about Jesus I read to her out of Phillippians the part about thinking of others before yourself and finding your joy in being like Christ and how great the name of Jesus is...she really liked it and said that tonight at church when other kids were winning prizes she kept reminding herself to be happy for the ones who were winning instead of being sad for herself that she wasn't winning.

I think part of the secret of why this family is as sweet as they are has to do with how much they incorporate the word of God into their lives (aka the bible). They read it, talk about it, think about it, and live it. It's not a "sunday" thing but a daily woven into life thing.

and just so I don't give off the impression that these kids are walking angels...today was definately a wednesday....hump day...tired middle of the week when's it all gonna end day...late to school "let's get in the car now!" no you can't do that and stop asking...yes you have to eat your dinner and no you can't be on the computer until your homework is finished...it's not up for discussion and if you'd rather just sit there that's fine by me...would you PLEASE flush the toilet?!

I figured out that I can make Gav smile at any given moment by saying "poop poop pa doop" he giggles cause I say poop.

The crazy beast I am driving around town says I am going 100mph or 120mph at all times..I think the speedometer broke...fairly certain I'm not actually driving those speeds...although who knows how fast or slow I'm actually going...i certainly don't!

I just go with the flow...

time for some sleep! no school the next two days so should be fairly laid back...which I am all for!

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The Beast

So I have been driving a Yukon XL (not sure if those are the intials that come after it but they should be!) this week. It is honkin huge! I feel the need to apologize to people for how big it is and make sure they know it's NOT mine. Everywhere I go I have to repark myself 5 times. I have driven over curbs and annoyed countless other drivers by taking my sweet time manuvering the sucker into spots big enough for a small house...it is a beast!

One thing I do like about it though...the seat warmers...my tushie is extra warm this week. which is good cause it's been crazy cold here. shiver! gotta love the seat wamer...whoever thought of that was genius.

It will be nice to drive my little jeepers again but for now I will continue to attempt U turns in rush hour in a car the size of Texas and hope no one with road rage happens to be anywhere near me...

Monday, November 05, 2007

some fun

I am having fun with these kids I'm watching.
Today I was told I am the best babysitter because I pick them up from school on time ;-) it's pretty easy to impress kids I think..
Their mom made me promise to give em extra lovin' while she was gone...I smooched all over them tonight...they call me the kissy monster...and laugh and laugh and ask me to kiss em some more...can you blame em?! haha...
Bathtimes are almost done and then I told them we could go buy a webkins (no idea) which sent them both over the edge of happiness never to be heard from again...

I read a lot of random blogs...some for a little while and I lose interest and some I've kept up with...a lot of them that I run across are moms blogging about their lives and complaining...maybe it's the only place they complain so they aren't so obnoxious in real life but I have an idea that most people who complain do it any chance they can get...I love reading where people celebrate the moments experienced with their families...even the yucky moments...

I am making the choice now to not be a complainer...especially if I have kids. Life is what you make of it you know? and I think kids and families are a privledge, not a right and something to be thankful for, not wishing your way out of all the time. and trust me I get how tiring the baby and early childhood years are...but complaining isn't a circumstances thing it's a heart issue...anyways...soap box...I'm done for now...

okay...gotta go rinse conditioner out of dollies hair...she's so sweet! maybe I'll kiss her while I'm at it ;-)

how...

I went to bed and there were 3 of us here...I woke up and there are 7...and I just walked by the couch were gav is waking up and there was another set of eyes staring at me...talk about confusing...I think there are cousins in the house! goodness. what else will this day hold?

Sunday, November 04, 2007

innocence

I always love when I get to spend concentrated times like I am right now around kids. In their homes and in their own element. It is so refreshing to be around such innocence.
I'm not particularly jaded or anything like that but I haven't walked through life with blinders on either. I can barely remember a time when I didn't know the things I know that have to do with loss of innocence...anger, hurt, perversion, seperation, harsh realities, grown up burdens.
I wish I could capture in a bottle the moments of innocence and joy that I see in children. Not to sell or anything like that but to put on a shelf and pull out somewhere down the road when they can't remember what it was like to not be hurt...maybe a little taste of innocence would bring some healing.
I have seen some pretty hurt people turn joyful when touched by the innocence of a child's love. so maybe it would work. now if I could only figure out how to bottle it up!

Sir Gav says I'm the best babysitter because I actually look when he asks me to look at something. and miss dollie is full of giggles and sillyness...
we went and saw the Bee movie tonight...so dumb...but they laughed and laughed...it was pretty funny seeing winnie the pooh get shot with a tranquelizer dart...I think gav and I will be laughing about that one for days. Gav says that all the pop corn we ate tonight went to my head...I think he might be right!

just a note

sometimes other people's pain effects me deeply because I care so much. I am fine. I just have to process sometimes the things I am told and writing helps me do that. right now my blog is where I write..so sometimes the things I post might not make sense and that's okay...just read, skim, skip and that's that! other people's stories are not mine to tell even if they leave me spinning on the inside.

my prayer

drowning
hurt
fighting it all
struggling inside and out
answers out of reach
crying out
numbing
over and over and over and over
how do you survive
life out of reach
deaf ears
hard heart
answers ignored
answers denied
it can't be that simple
simple isn't easy
but there is life
out of reach
perceptions off
truth changed to fit
okay for a moment
until you realize
drowning


I see the searching, searching, searching...I am helpless to help. So I stand there, mute. Praying. Pleading. Crying.

broke wide open all spilled out.

The story is not over.

The author is not finished.

Please don't be finished.

In light of eternity.

Shine your light.

reveal peace
reveal worth
reveal healing

reveal yourself

deep inside

Some things come spilling out and leave you heartbroken. Not for yourself but for the one spilling.

I don't know why not me.

It could have been.

It really could have.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

what's real?

ever have one of those nights where you can't sleep but you do and when you do you dream about what you'd be doing if you were awake and couldn't sleep?!

all night.

not sure now what actually happened and what didn't.

I know I got up a couple times to check on kids and wake one of them up to go rock climbing...at least I think I did...I should probably check and make sure he's not asleep in the basement...

and I was freezing cold. first night in a new spot is always a little trippy but last night took the cake for me...I think Ill be fine from here on out though...warmer pj's I think may be the key...if my nose isn't cold maybe I can actually fall to sleep like a normal person.

oddly enough I feel rested.

okay...gotta get back to the kiddo's...their parents leave them a pile of presents, one for each day they are gone...kinda fun...they are chomping at the bit to open one right now...

Friday, November 02, 2007

A dedication to Mrs. B !!!

So the folks I'm babysitting for pay me AND give me gifts! what fun!

I took a picture of the jewelry girl they gave me...the chocolate I will be eating!

I am in love with my new fun thing...and I am convinced that Mrs. B will find it just as lovely...it's a jewelry tree...I can't wait to go home and hang a necklace or three or four off of it ;)

I actually squealed when I opened it...

okay...here's the grand unveiling...

be prepared for the sheer girly-ness of it all...

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a new day

I woke up and did what my mom and a few others suggested...I called and made a doctors apt. Might as well get to the bottom of why this is dragging on.

I start my 10 day babysitting gig today...it will actually be a very restful time because I will be home (not my home but still a nice one) earlier each night and putting kids to bed early means I'll head to bed earlier...more sleep, more routine, less crazyness...picking kids up and dropping them off doesn't seem like work to me. probably cause I don't have to do it normally...I could see how it would seem like work after a long period of time..

and the family I am going to be with is one of those families that you want to study..how are they really that nice to each other all the time? the kids are thoughtful of each other with out being told...say the nicest things to each other and watch out for each other all the time. I could ask them to do anything and they say "yes ma'am" and do it, no back talking or arguing or even questioning...they just respect authority...
I have spent a signifigant amount of time with them when the parents were around and when they weren't and it is always the same.
this is one mom I think I will put on speed dial the day I have my own kids to make sure I'm doin' it right!

anyhow, that's my story! and now I must go pack my little self up and find something delicious to eat before I go...

Thursday, November 01, 2007

oh how I wish

this year has been a hard year for my physically...my immune system was basically taken out at the knees in March...I hate not being able to do everything with energy and I can tell that I am still not back to 100% and it has been frustrating to say the least...for some reason this week has been particularly hard again...
I talked to my mom about it tonight for a while cause I am finding it very upsetting to still be batteling to be back to normal..very upsetting.

I spent the evening with a group of ladies and had such a nice time but all I really wanted to do was nothing. sitting sounded about my speed this evening.

I run into the mindset all the time that if you're not busy or doing something you are less. Partly why my slowing down from being low on energy has been a little hard...(I know some of you are thinking "this is her slowed down?!"...it is.) I don't like to say no to people and doing things...I am a people pleaser at times...I hate that about myself but it's something I try to combat with good choices and remembering to be a God pleaser first, Jamie pleaser second and people pleaser 3rd...
And sitting at home being content with quiet is actually something I enjoy when I finally take the time to do it...I just wish it was more out of choice than because I'm so tired all the time...and I think I would enjoy it more if I had someone to sit at home with...but all things happen in good time I suppose...for now it's just me...

this song has been stuck in my head today...it's true for me right now...I do wish I could gather together in one place all the people I care for. oh how I wish.
I know I will get to see my family soon and some others who I am eager to spend time with and that time can't come quick enough for me...I am blessed with a lot of great people in my life, some here and to many far away...

wow, I'm kind of a downer tonight...one more side effect of not feeling well and missing people I suppose.

here are a few of the lyrics..
And I wish all the people I love the most
Could gather in one place
And know each other and love each other well

And I wish we could all go camping
And lay beneath the stars
And have nothing to do and stories to tell
We'd sit around the campfire
And we'd make each other laugh remembering when
You're the first one I'm inviting
Always know that you're invited, my friend

I have a list of people I'd invite!

dragging my feet

I agreed to speak at a conference in April in Arkansas...I don't know what I was thinking. They asked me when I was in the middle of being crazy sick and I agreed with very little thought cause I thought it was what I "should" do...and now I would rather slit my wrists...

Heidi says I will probably be glad I went...she will be the one binding my wrists if I'm not...

sugar low

end of one month. start of a new.

ever just have a low day even when the sugars are normal? ;) wishing I could hybernate..but the opposite is my option.

starting tomorrow I will be doing the mommy thing...dropping off, picking up, hugging on, feeding, picking up after and guiding a few people through missing their actual mom. for a small fee...well, some would say not so small but I'm worth every penny...I'm a good stand in until the real thing comes home. 10 days. and it just occured to me that I actually have to pack for this, even though it's just across town...it also just occured to me that I think I may finally have some help raking my leaves...

glory.

Followers

So Much to Love

I love people. I love bright eyes. I love my sons, Judah & Lucas. I love laughing. I love my ringtone. I love love. I love Jesus. I love tattoos. I love milk. I love creative expression. I love smiles. I love Philippians. I love bridges. I love my house and haven. I love a rainy night. I love doing nothing. I love almonds and banana chips. I love music. I love cowboy hats. I love Anna Maria Island. I love (diet) dr.pepper. I love a good story. I love wildflowers. I love to fly. I love rod iron. I love babies. I love going to the movies. I love midnight. I love allegra. I love sunsets. I love long kisses. I love the color red. I love starshollow. I love community. I love doing life with friends. I love witty banter. I love jessilynn.com. I love my family. I love pretty things. I love cruisin' with my girls. I love remembering when. I love authentic individuals. I love hot tamales. I love when kids giggle. I love Lance. I love bonfires. I love finding people I thought I'd lost. I love yard sales. I love tacobell. I love seeing people do good. I love violins and steel guitar. I love driving to the airport. I love seeing people around me succeed at their dreams. I love being included. I love flipflops. I love blogging. I love long talks. I love dreaming.

Always On My Mind

Welcome to my blog.  I am glad you stopped by!  I choose to write my thoughts and share the joys of my life in this forum.  I hope you will read and say hi when you can!  Blessings!
Jamie
Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, and riches take wing. Only one thing endures and that is character. 
~Horace Greeley