Thursday, May 29, 2008

freeze

I knew it would be a busy couple days and I am resisting the urge to grab people's faces and say "stop" "freeze" "don't move" "I don't want this to end"

my emotions aren't keeping up with the speed of my life currently.

I am so glad Lance and I are going to spend some alone time this morning. All the people, as much as I love them, are overwhelming. In a good way, but still...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Yes, I am excited.



Everyone keeps asking. The answer is Yes, I am excited.

I am excited to finally be here.
Here in Iowa.
Here in my life.
Here with Lance.
Here with our families.
Here.
I am excited to finally be here.

Living my dreams coming true.

Monday, May 26, 2008

checked the weather in IA.

looks lovely.

oh yeah.

going' to the bri-idge and I'm
gonna get ma - a- a - ried...
goin' to the bridge of love..

sometimes time moves at the rate of a very old turtle. that would be a mild way of describing this week so far.

magic

I remember driving over it once in college. I didn't know where I was and I never went back...then one night my sister and I became hopelessly lost and all of a sudden we were driving over it again...it was almost magical...the moonlight and fog made the globe lights that lined the bridge feel mystical...we tried to find it again and couldn't. Which just added to the magic. That was almost 3 years ago.

Then my sister came to visit and we mapquested directions to the place she was playing a gig and wouldn't you know it...the bridge was part of our path to our destination. It still felt magical but now there is proof it exists on mapquest. And then this week I needed to get to my hairdresser and mapquested a route from a different destination than I normally take and wouldn't you know it, the bridge was once again part of my route. Only this time it was in the day light and you know, it wasn't as magical this time around. Very concrete and bridge like. lol.

I think I will avoid driving over it in the day time from now on. I like the magic.



This isn't the actual bridge...I may try to get a pic sometime...if I can find it again...with out the help of mapquest and reality!

Friday, May 23, 2008

on hold

There are a few things I am working on this week. But I feel like I am on hold. Or maybe like I'm holding my breath.

I want this week to go fast so that I can be there. Standing there. And then I want to freeze time.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

falling into place

Yesterday I had a list a mile long for the reception.

Today...Lisa does :) lol

she is an amazing friend and sooo gifted at putting together a great event. I jokingly call myself the "slacker bride" because I have been a little checked out of the details for a couple weeks now and you know what? I think I shall keep my title and just enjoy! That's what they all keep telling me to do and while there is a little bit of a control freak on the inside, I think I can ignore her for the time being. She's really not even yelling at me to loud anyways so that's good :-)~

I think I'm going to go tanning.

ahh, the sweet life ;)

Love is the bridge between two hearts



“Look within. Within is the fountain of good, and it will ever bubble up, if thou wilt ever dig.” -Marcus Aurelius


Lance and I climbed the old cedar bridge and spent some time yesterday just taking a deep breath and blowing through the bubble wand! we also got ourselves a fun bubble gun which is pictured above :)

Sometimes you just need to blow bubbles!

We will have more bridge and bubbles pictures to share soon :) On this bridge...



“Love is the bridge between two hearts.”

Sunday, May 18, 2008

looking forward and backward

The girls stood on the stage, dressed in white gowns, sparkling tiara's on their hairsprayed and perfectly coiffed updo's, sashes to large for their small frames slipping off of shoulders as their faces beamed to the crowd where family and friends smiled back.

The potential in each of them is endless...and in this moment you can feel that even they know it.

I watched as the girls younger looked on and imagined what it would be like to stand there just like these girls. I watched as the really little girls watched and wondered what the big deal was but knew something was special about this mysterious thing that was going on. I saw some of the older girls dust off their tiara's and bring them out for this special occasion where they could stand and look back at what that moment meant to them when it was their turn.

Personally, I never earned my tiara...it wasn't my "thing" when I was a little girl. But it is fun to watch all of these girls. Especially since I've known them all of their lives.

There are moments in ministry when you get a glimpse at how many lives you have touched and tonight I had one of those moments. I turned to Joy who was sitting next to me and mentioned that I had seen these girls grow up and she asked me if I was going to cry...no, no crying for me. She said that she might cry thinking of her own little girl being in this place for this ceremony in less than 7 yrs...time does move fast at times. I wonder how many kids have actually passed through this ministry I've invested my self into so completely the last 8 yrs? probably close to a thousand if you count the kids who were only here for a little while...that is crazy. I know I am a blip in their lives, and in some ways they were that in mine.

I can't wait to see where these girls end up. All that potential. I pray that they will always know their worth and that they won't settle for less than God's best in their lives. (the boys too of course..but girls really get told they are worthless in this world..even here in america...I hope they learn to listen to God when it comes to their worth and not the other voices that will try to tell them otherwise...I could write 100 more blogs about this topic alone I think...I'll stop now)

change

I was almost not going to post this because there hasn't been any official decision made about moving and timing and all of that but there is certainly a path that is being followed one day at a time with God's leading. And I think moments like this one I had yesterday are just adding to the story of my road and where it is taking me.



I stopped to get a burrito yesterday for lunch at the airport...I set my travel bag up on the counter so I could relieve my arm for a second of the weight of all of my belongings I was hauling around. I forgot that my work ID badge was attached to the outside but the man behind the counter noticed it first thing. He asked me where my church was and what I did there. I told him. He proceeded to tell me that he and his wife had been in ministry but God had moved them to Nashville and they still didn't know exactly why but they knew that God's timing was for them to leave when they did because "when people stay to long it doesn't allow for the things they have planted and poured into to grow..." or something like that...he talked about how God didn't need them there, he had used them and moved them on and was still doing his work and if they had stayed they would have gotten in the way of the work God was doing. People were to comfortable with things staying as they were. Complacency.
And so, they moved. He asked if he could pray for me and he took my name. I was determined not to forget his but of course my mind doesn't always cooperate with what I want so it's gone for now...it was something middle eastern sounding...oh well. I remember his face and his words. At the end he said that he wanted to leave me with one word. "God is restoring all things to the way they should be."

I believe that is true.

There is a principle of pruning that applies to everything. Getting rid of things so that new things can grow. Sometimes in pruning you even cut away things that are full of life so that more growth can come, you don't just cut away the dead things.

*sigh*

pruning still involves cutting and while good in the long run, it is still a process of change.

I am ready for some changes. Not careless ones that have no purpose...that's not my style...but changes. From being single to being married. From thinking of myself to thinking of us. From small decisions that matter to no one to small decisions that are a big deal to one other person. And that's just the beginning of the list of things that are changing.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

ramblings of a tired woman in love

overwhelmed.

for some reason this past week being in Nashville, kept making me think about how close I came to not having Lance in my life. how if I hadn't picked up the phone and called him one more time he might be unhappy somewhere with out me and I'd be here feeling empty still.

but I did call and he came and kept coming and now here we are. less than two weeks away from being married.

I recognize that this is the man God has been preparing me for and has been preparing for me. I see the broken roads we both traveled to bring us here. I resist the urge to cry often when I think about how blessed I am and how there's no turning back...how did I live before? how did I breathe? I'm not sure I did either. Not like I am now.

I finished reading "the bridges of madison county" today and while very romantic and sweet, I found it to be to tragic to bare...unrequited love is a great idea in books and movies but in reality, it's heart breaking. I am so thankful that Lance and I will have more than 4 days together. We will get to share the joys and struggles of living a life, a real life with day to day stuff happening and pulling and with the challenge of being intentional to keep love fresh and vibrant and relevant and tender and strong and selfless. We will become one...like a braid...three strands woven together in a way that can't be pulled apart...lance, jamie and God...

I told Lance this week that I want to soak in and be completely present at every thing that happens over the next couple weeks...from weddings to meals to conversations to hugs to cards to smiles...all the moments that will make up the memories of the beginning of our journey as one. I want to capture it all and put it in a jar so I can take it out every once in a while and let it seep back in and saturate me.

The overwhelming feeling I have is thankfulness, gratitude, being blessed...all mixed into a feeling in my chest that is indescribable but very alive. I don't ever want to take for granted the blessings in my life, I don't ever want to take for granted this man who loves me, I don't ever want to take for granted the little things that make each day unique and precious...

I'm tired tonight. It was exhausting to pack up and leave the place that now holds my heart

Friday, May 16, 2008

completely unhappy

...only because I have to leave tomorrow...

yowsa.

two weeks and I'll be an old married lady!

more happiness on the horizon...



Monday, May 12, 2008

I feel so loved

Thank you to all who commented and offered to help with my computer situation. Sadly it was not recoverable...but I am thankful it didn't happen closer to the wedding and that it was fixable...yes I lost some things but I will live. No more crying. I have some leads on who else took pics at some of the big events I was sad about losing and hopefully those will work out and I will be good.

anyhow!

spent some serious time on the road the last few days...I had wanted to visit nashville a couple months back but life being what it is did not allow for me to step away from my life for a visit. Now a few weeks before the wedding I was able to carve out the time. And I am so glad. It was a joy to road trip with Lance..we stopped the first night in Winterset IA...and the next morning we got up and spent a glorious morning at the Roseman bridge...it was so nice to be there together anticipating what is to come.

We danced, kissed, laughed, smiled, picked flowers, carved our names in a heart, and spent way to much money at the gift shop...but now we have matching roseman bridge t-shirts so that's good :) matchy matchy will live on!



We traveled on to St. Louis after that and spent a lovely visit with Ira and Ashley and sassy evie and sweet beck. It was so good to see them and love on everyone and talk and connect and eat fabulous cupcakes for mothers day!

And now here I am sitting at Lance's computer typing a blog. His home is just as lovely in person as it was in the photos and video he showed me before.

I feel so loved.

Almost like God is shining his face right on me. It is humbling.

My heart felt so light and my eyes were shining as I listened to this Sara Groves song last night while we were driving...


I have been talking to you since I was a little girl
So many sweet memories of giving you my world

You are wonderful - a friend to the weary
You have been so faithful - your goodness follows me
You are beautiful your love neverending

I was just wondering today how over all these years
You've carried so many cares
Calmed so many fear

You are wonderful - a friend to the weary
You have been so faithful - your goodness follows me
You are beautiful your love neverending

Thursday, May 08, 2008

waves

last summer my computer was stolen. i lost all of my pictures and video's. i was able to recover some things, maybe 30%...the rest was history. there was a process of grief over the loss of things I treasured. there was a learning curve of how to better back up things that mattered to me...to not bring my computer outside of my house unless necessary...to just be more careful.

and so. I got good at putting things on snapfish pretty much with in a day of loading things onto my computer. but in true murphey's law fashion, with the business of my last month I got out of the habit. I was going to bring my computer into work yesterday to hook into high speed internet (I had made a couple attempts to load pics from home but the connection kept failing cause it was to slow.) and as my horribly bad luck would have it, the night before my computer went on the fritz.

holding my breath that it was just a glitch.

went to the genius bar and they thought it was prabably an operating systems problem so we got a new system..it didn't help.

and now my poor computer is getting a heart transplant. not sure if anything can be recovered.

I cried.

I sat at the genius bar and I cried.

I felt silly.

But it wasn't just losing all the picture from my wedding showers and the videos and my engagement photo's... that of course was enough to make me cry but it was the familar wave of having gone through this recently that made me cry right there instead of waiting until I got into my car. the grief of losing something I treasured....and re-losing all the things I had recovered...being mad at myself for not doing a better job of getting my pictures onto snapfish in a more timely fashion. Knowing that there will be more waves as I remember more things I lost.

I may have cried in vain. it could all be recovered. I am crossing my fingers. but there are days when you just know things aren't going your way. that's more how this feels. I hope I'm wrong.

21 days

I get married in 21 days.

I wasn't counting. I didn't have time to sit down and count, to much going on...but one of the ladies from church did it for me. So now I know I have 21 days.

It's going to fly by.

I am spending the next week in Nashville. I am hoping to stop and take a deep breath while I'm there. Maybe dance around lance's kitchen a little...go to a movie or two...do some wedding planning from a distance online...stuff like that.

It will be so nice.

21 days.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

pools

I was just thinking. I am in a wierd place in my life. Good wierd but still wierd. There is so much going on that none of it seems real. And yet this is my real life. So I capture it on film, write about it and keep momentos so I can sit back at some point and soak in every aspect at a pace that is more condusive to sinking in.
Like when you get a rain storm and there's so much rain that it can't soak into the ground right away...eventually it all soaks in but in the meantime it pools. I have several pools. Eventually they will soak in.
For instance...all of the lovely cards I have recieved. I've read them all but wow there are so many...I think I will be taking one or two out every day for the first year of my marriage and reading them at a pace where I can truley enjoy what is written...each one was given by someone I care about and I don't want the kindness and words of love to be lost in the midst of so much. That's just one for instance...that is one of my pools.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

girls weekend



You can kid the world. But not your sister. ~Charlotte Gray


Jessi came to visit. We always manage to have a good time together...midnight taco bell runs, guitar time, and shopping shopping endless shopping. That's what we did this time around. I needed shoes for my wedding dress and she needed an outfit for the MAMA's where she needs to look like a rock star since she's up for some awards and is also playing with her band. 2 intense days of stores, crowds, florescent lighting and dressing rooms was enough to take a toll on anyone's self esteeme. But in the end we both found what we needed...and then proceeded to return to all the stores we shopped at and take things back we didn't really need.
Next time I see her will be my wedding! fun stuff.

Monday, May 05, 2008

BaldE

Last week in a calm moment, Lance stopped and showed me the neighborhood Bald Eagle...I've only ever seen one on tv or in a picture so it was a great moment. I was then able to show it to my sister when she came to visit...we actually stopped a couple times to watch it soar and mostly watch it just sat there...but it was still cool...we started calling him BaldE...
If you're from around here and want to take a peek for yourself...just find the 5-8 Club and there is bound to be someone with a camera or binoculars pointed right at it.

Anyhow, Eagles make me think of strength and remind me of how God promises that "those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Which then prompted me to look up the word Eagle on Bible Gateway to see what else the Bible had to say about eagles. I found a passage that I love but had not really remembered mentioning an eagle. I included it below.

I got a pretty decent pic (considering) as I was heading into the 5-8 club to get a hamburger...check it out :)




Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The LORD is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children’s children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The LORD has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.

Bless the LORD, O you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his word,
obeying the voice of his word!
Bless the LORD, all his hosts,
his ministers, who do his will!
Bless the LORD, all his works,
in all places of his dominion.
Bless the LORD, O my soul!

Thursday, May 01, 2008

This is an off the charts week. So much to write about and share and where to begin.

So I'll save the blogs for later...they need to ruminate inside of me anyways...

Things I will be pondering...

Being blessed at my church wedding shower.
Lance meeting my parents.
Ceremony planning with pastor.
My funny walk.
A visit with my sister...who will also meet Lance for the first time.
Where I was a year ago and how I've changed.
Why my text keeps being translated into ಹಿಂದಿ with out my telling it to! ವಾಟ್ ದಿ ಹೆಚ್ಕ್?

and more I'm sure.

Followers

So Much to Love

I love people. I love bright eyes. I love my sons, Judah & Lucas. I love laughing. I love my ringtone. I love love. I love Jesus. I love tattoos. I love milk. I love creative expression. I love smiles. I love Philippians. I love bridges. I love my house and haven. I love a rainy night. I love doing nothing. I love almonds and banana chips. I love music. I love cowboy hats. I love Anna Maria Island. I love (diet) dr.pepper. I love a good story. I love wildflowers. I love to fly. I love rod iron. I love babies. I love going to the movies. I love midnight. I love allegra. I love sunsets. I love long kisses. I love the color red. I love starshollow. I love community. I love doing life with friends. I love witty banter. I love jessilynn.com. I love my family. I love pretty things. I love cruisin' with my girls. I love remembering when. I love authentic individuals. I love hot tamales. I love when kids giggle. I love Lance. I love bonfires. I love finding people I thought I'd lost. I love yard sales. I love tacobell. I love seeing people do good. I love violins and steel guitar. I love driving to the airport. I love seeing people around me succeed at their dreams. I love being included. I love flipflops. I love blogging. I love long talks. I love dreaming.

Always On My Mind

Welcome to my blog.  I am glad you stopped by!  I choose to write my thoughts and share the joys of my life in this forum.  I hope you will read and say hi when you can!  Blessings!
Jamie
Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, and riches take wing. Only one thing endures and that is character. 
~Horace Greeley