one thing I learned when I had mono is that when people are done being patient with you being sick they are done. and it has nothing to do with whether or not you feel better and everything to do with the fact that they have made up their minds that you should be better by now.
I have been worrying I'd wear the few people (new city, new job, new life) out who are around me right now with how sick i've been and i am waiting with baited breath for them to start being mad at me for not being well or being short with me because now I must be faking it cause who is really sick this long? well the answer is me. I am still this sick. and it's because this is how my body responds to being pregnant. personally I have been sick of the sick since the first time I puked and when I reached the point of desperation of needing my sister to basically take care of me because i couldn't care for myself. of all the people who are sick of me being sick. I am the sickest of it all.

dreams

last night i had a dream I was driving through the country with my mom. we ran across a BBQ. Corn on the cob, grilled hot dogs, jo jo's, beans, hash browns, and so much more yummy stuff...like butter. oh what a dream. sadly I woke up before I got to eat it.

I keep dreaming about food. hungry I am. able to eat I am not. but the dreams are nice.

say hi!

nights are the worst. i had a decent day yesterday, night was still ick. okay day today, ick on the night. hoping for another okay day tomorrow but not anticipating a good night since i haven't had one yet.

Lance comes home tomorrow instead of sunday. I am so glad. I hate being alone. especially when I don't feel good. I keep checking his blog like there's going to be something new but of course there isn't, it's just nice to be connected to him even if it's through words he wrote.

Jessi's dog Cami is still here with me and bored out of her mind I think. She only really likes jessi and misses her a lot. I miss her too. She'll be back on sunday night I think but she won't be here much longer after that. boo hoo. I like my sister.

okay. that's about it for an update here. my world is small and revolves around a puke bucket. so not much to write about. just trying to stay positive takes energy I don't have. but I'm working on it.

it is strange to be 12 weeks pregnant and to be losing weight instead of gaining. don't worry, my docs know. but my jeans are all crazy fitting these days. guess for most it's growing out of jeans and mine are falling off. I know that will change at some point, but for now I keep hiking them up.

really. that's about it for an update now.

smiles to all and thanks for the nice comments, they do help.

nervous

I'm nervous. My sister is going to Texas until Sunday and Lance is gone until Sunday. That means I am on my own. And I am nervous. I have been so dependent on them for everything. And I mean everything. Having my sister here has made me feel less guilty about not being able to do things like the dishes and laundry cause she did them for me. On my behalf so to speak.

I told her I was nervous and she said "why, all you do is sleep anyway" lol that made me laugh. I do sleep a lot. I don't puke when I'm sleeping. But the short times I am awake, she is a huge help. I know she must be bored out of her mind and is so ready for an adventure that doesn't involve a sick sister.

But I confess I am nervous. I kept singing the lyrics to that Leanne Rimes song "How will I live with out you...How will I breathe with out you" you know the one? lol I told her that and we both laughed. but seriously. how will I live? simply and probably with a mess near by since I barely have the energy for the basics in life much less the luxury of cleaning and tidying.

sigh. I know it might seem a little dramatic but it's not. at least not in my mind. :(

end of an era

so I got rid of my jeep. no more single girl tool around with the top off and wind in my hair with the music up loud days. Now I am driving a family car. Check out my hubby's site to see for yourself.

I am sick to death of being sick. I don't feel normal. I feel un normal. which is the same as odd. different. not quite right.

it's like having food poisoning for like over a month.

i can't be normal because it makes me queasy. walking upright makes me queasy. so I sit and i slouch. and I puke. and i barely make it to the bathroom. and then i get a headache and feel even more terrible when I take pain killer. because i'm not normal.

how does anyone stand being around me. i can barely stand it and i'm stuck with it. i guess some of them are stuck with me too. I'm sorry. so sorry. one child might be all I can handle. never thought I'd have only one, I thought at least two...but you couldn't pay me to do this twice. i hate it. and it will be worth it in the end I know but not twice. i can't do this twice knowing what i know now.

ug.

ug.

ug.

ug.

endless cell phone issues

I have had endless cell issues since I moved to Nashville. Supposedly they will be taken care of with this new phone I got today. But of course, once again, I have lost EVERYONE's phone numbers ...well...I have a few but not enough. So if you read me and have my number in your cell...would you text me and include your name? or you can always email it to me. don't leave it in the comments or someone might stalk you...heck, I might stalk you! muahahahahaha!

a bit of a rant...

I was reading the senior pastor of our churches blog just now and I got all fired up. I particularly got fired up when I saw people quoting scripture for their purposes. It is so easy to manipulate things to fit what you want. Even scripture and that is partly why people have a hard time trusting christians and what they say the bible says because so many have taken things out of context and somehow twisted things from the bible to prove their point.
Ug.
I told you this was a bit of a rant. Blame my pregnancy hormones.

The thing that got me was that in the debate going on in the comments someone used a scritpure and basically said that "everything is permissible" so why not do whatever...essentially that is what I read in a ton of what people were replying. It made me wonder if people actually read their bibles anymore. I mean...the scritpure reads "Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is helpful. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not allow anything to control me." 1 Cor 6:12 That is so much different then "everything is permissible" Any decision you make in this life you could somehow justify in the end. That is the problem with making decisions based on the moment and current need instead of on your values. This applies to so much more than money matters. I realize we live in a post modern culture where truth is relative but I don't buy it. I think truth is truth and you live your life from what that truth is.
I mean. Ug.
Sorry. I am getting it out of my system blog style. The crazy thing is that the issue talked about on his blog isn't what got me riled up. It was the logic people were using for their arguments either way. Clearly post modern is taking over the worlds thinking. How can we possibly communicate truth and values that don't change with circumstances in this day and age?

I am a fan of making decisions based on my beliefs not the other way around. okay. deep breaths. I haven't eaten in a while (which means I haven't puked in a while...) so maybe that explains my rant to an extent.

on to my next meeting!

(ps. I have had some better moments with this pregnancy...I can't say better "days" yet...but moments...it's a step up and for that I am grateful. Thanks everyone for praying for me. That is the most help it seems.)

I've tried every trick for not being sick.  Trust me.  I've eaten crackers before getting up, only to puke them.  I drink ginger tea by the gallon, and throw up.  I have tried watermelon, ginger-ale, celery, etc etc.  I just get sick.  I have tried 3 types of medication from the doctors office, the ones that help everyone else do nothing for me.  In combo i can get hours of relief here and there.  I have only not gotten sick 2 days in the last 3 weeks.  

My sister is here helping me through all of this.  She has been a godsend to me.  Lance is of course a wonderful husband and he has done a ton to help as well.

If there is some other miracle cure feel free to let me know...chances are I've already tried it. They say this ends in a couple more weeks.  I hope it's true.

The due date is April 14th and we've seen the baby on ultrasound once now.  It was a good thing of course.  I am not very energetic so not spending as much time blogging or online.  I'll be back more often I'm sure once i start feeling better.  

yes, it's true

I'm pregnant.  I'd write more but I need to go puke now...