When I get overwhelmed I tend to freeze. Instead of moving forward and tackling what is in front of me I feel myself shutting down. I am not sure I knew that about myself before now, I mean...I think I'd felt tastes of it but lately...I have been frozen. I do not like that about myself. I know it has left my husband feeling alone. I know it has caused me to give off the wrong impression. I know it is inefficient and not a good way to live. I am trying to pray my way through it and to find ways to be proactive and "take small bites" of the things I am overwhelmed by and continue to move forward instead of freezing. It is not easy. In fact I would venture to say it is down right difficult. But I do not like the feeling of being frozen. It works for a moment but I can't live like that.

Things that overwhelm me:

finances...the shared aspect, the being dependent on someone else aspect, the merging of two lives aspect, the not having my own income aspect, the having past debts that I don't know how I will ever repay aspect...I could go on but that's a taste.

change...so much so fast, I knew my threshold and I got right to the edge...and then...I got pregnant. holy cow.

anger...when someone is angry at me I get the mental picture in my head of someone on the ground covering their head while a bear mauls them. every time. that is what I feel like. I do not know how to fight back. I never have. Other people angry at each other in front of me...someone angry at me....doesn't matter....same reaction. Sometimes I can actually feel myself stop breathing. I could give examples from when I was a kid all the way up to today.

inexperience...if I haven't done it before...I completely 100% stress out. doesn't matter in what respect...a new meal, a new person, a new experience, a new...fill in the blank. stress. I try to not let it stop me from growing my life but the anxiety is sometimes overwhelming. And if you start pushing me towards doing something new it is worse...and I want to dig in my heels, turn around and run away. It's not a great quality but "it is what it is" as the cliche goes.

I guess I have other things I could share but that seems like a good enough list for now. sheesh.