Sunday, January 31, 2010

teething and such...

My day today:

Wake up at 5:30 and feed Judah...put him back to sleep

Wake up again at 8...that never happens! It felt nice. Fed Judah again.

8:30 we got up and started the morning. Judah was into everything. He wanted me to hold him every second. When I wouldn't he would just hold onto me and yell...when I'd finally give in and pick him up he tried to crawl off of me and away from me. ok. whatever.

I attempt to fold laundry. That didn't happen. Baby J had other ideas.

I spend some time in the kitchen cleaning things up and putting away dishes from the dishwasher. Baby J had other ideas.

I decide to take a shower...if nothing else at least I would be clean. I take baby J into the bathroom with me and lock the door. miracle of miracles he does not cry when I am in the shower...he plays and seems happy. A nice change. I know he's teething and that is the source of his yelling and needing extra attention... I end up taking a bath and Judah looks longingly at the water so, pretty soon he is in the tub too. At which point he stops being happy and attempts to climb me. So out we go. First clean outfit for me, second one for the babs.

I spend time feeding Judah solids, after I make them of course..we sing a few songs, clap our hands, other fun baby stuff goes on...

I am starting to feel overwhelmed because baby J is only happy (as in not yelling and grabbing at me) if I am giving him 100% attention...and Lance is coming home soon. I don't want him to walk into a messy house.

It is about time for Baby J to take a nap...so off we go...nursing and rocking and patting and finally sweet sleeping.

I spend the next two hours folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen, picking up all the baby messes I could find...I did more laundry, I picked up our bedroom, I made our bed, I refreshed our bathroom...I pulled food out for a possible dinner I had in mind so things would be thawed and ready to go...I talked to my friend kristen while I was doing some more laundry folding.

It's around 2:30 and Judah wakes up. He seems to be in a better mood and so we spent some time playing, i got online and caught up with some friends, I even turned on the tv and caught and episode of "tough love" my dvr had messed up and I'd missed.

Lance got home at around 4:30. I was so happy I'd been able to clean up as much stuff as I had considering how hard baby J had been to keep happy. We bundled up and headed out for a little snow adventure...more like a frozen snow and icy roads adventure but it was still fun. When we walked back in the house I was able to start dinner, feed Judah (Lance took over for me half way through so I could keep cooking). I got Judah's bath and bedtime stuff ready while Lance bathed Judah. I finished getting dinner ready...

next up was nursing Judah and getting him to sleep. he ended up playing in his crib for a very long time after I put him down but eventually he put himself to sleep.

I served up dinner and it turned out pretty nice...a baked chicken over rice sort of a meal. I was pleased.

After dinner Lance and I watched a movie while I folder more laundry. When the movie was over I cleaned up dinner and cleaned up the kitchen, got the dishwasher loaded and running.

It was a long day. Exhausting in a lot of ways. I was feeling pretty good about how much I'd gotten done around the house since I know how important it is to Lance to have things clean and tidy. I was feeling pretty good about the fun little snow adventure we had with our son. It was really kind of fun. Don't worry, I'll post pictures later.

It is amazing to me as I type this out that I still feel like I didn't do enough.

Is it ever enough?

I mean...I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. My mind rehashes the day and I try to figure out what more I could have done. Should i have let Judah cry more so that the floors were cleaner? should I have left the laundry all for tonight and spent more time with my son? maybe it was stupid of me to watch that tv show instead of cleaning a bathroom...I don't know how to find balance. I feel torn every second.

Moms around the world say "tell me something I don't already know".

I've listened for hours to countless women talk about these same issues...and yet... here I am and it is my life. Who do I talk to? what did I ever say to someone that made them feel better about things? Why can't I remember those things now for myself? sigh...

my husband feels unloved if our house is messy.
my child makes it nearly impossible some days for me to think straight much less keep a perfectly clean house. Just the nature of having a baby around the house. I am convicted to complain less...I did a lot of complaining in my head about him today.
I feel lost...like I don't exist. And the part of me that does exists is merely here to take care of others.

I got my hair cut this week. My hair dresser implored me to do things to take care of myself, to pamper myself.
I raised my eyebrow and snorted and said something like "yeah sure..".

I am blessed that Judah goes to bed early. I know this. I am trying to do a better job of using the time in the evenings to do more things around my house and even take a bubble bath now and again for me. But there are days I feel brain dead by the time Judah's bed time rolls around.

I guess I am just rambling now. The whole purpose of a blog sometimes...ramble it out of my head and into words...let others read and maybe someone can encourage me a little...or someone who knows me well can tell me where i'm going wrong.

Either way, I think I may finally be tired enough to sleep. Time to get up in the morning and do it all over again. Awesome.

4 comments:

Lindsay said...

Wow, I am tired just reading this post! I think moms have the hardest job in the world. But its all for a good cause :-) I think you are great!

Rae Nolt said...

Jamie...
As a soon to be mom...I'm proud of you! Seems to me that you are doing the RIGHT thing. Believe it or not, I saw you balance your day! You took care of your child's needs, KNEW what your husband liked, and found time to take some time for yourself! PLUS, you got LOTS of work done in the house! You had a busy day but I'm amazed at how much you got done! Enjoy your Sunday!

O My Blog! said...

There's a poem/story about how blessed you are that your sink is full of dirty dishes, that you have piles of laundry, I'm sure you have seen it. IT'S TRUE!

Now that things are reversed for someone I know, it's ironic how he can't even keep up with half of the very same demands she has had to deal with for all these years.

I'm very fortunate that Matt has been there for every step. If he hadn't stepped up and been not just a support system for me but also took on more than he could chew, I don't know what would have happened to Kate. He never has never complained to me about how it was the first 2 years that Kate was here, but I know how hard he worked to keep it together because he knew I couldn't do it all myself.

You do need to do more for yourself, I'm just starting really and Kate is almost 8.

Psssst, you're lucky to have a dishwasher, I don't have one because I AM the dishwasher :)

Sarah said...

I can totally relate to this post. I feel so torn most of the time trying to figure out where I should be spending my time. Working full time doesn't help either.

I think trying to find balance (especially moms of young children) is so hard.

My motto is "one day at a tim" and sometimes "one hour at a time".

Have you tried a pack and play for Judah? Just so you can get around and get some things done? I had to do that for Kyle. Kyle has been a tornado ever since he was mobile. I would let him fuss in the pnp... I also would get out "special" toys that he could play with while in there.

And I know they say no TV until 2... but a 1/2 hour of Sesame Street or some other educational show will give you a 1/2 hour to yourself. I have let go of the mommy TV guilt so I can get some stuff done.

You are not the only one feeling this way!! Reading your blog made me feel more normal :)

HUGS!

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Jamie
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