Thursday, March 01, 2012

sweet reminders

I know that when you look at a new baby, a lot of times you see what you want to see. The dad's family sees the dad. The mom's family sees the mom. If you are holding the baby, people say it looks like you. On Tuesday's this one looks like me, on Friday's like you. And so on.

So knowing that, you can take with a grain of salt what I'm about to write about.

When I look at Lucas, I see my dad.

You know how they say you start as a baby needing complete care and love, and end your life the same way? Well, it's true. Assuming you live that long ;)

My dad lived a long time. And watching him turn back into someone who needed complete care and love was hard. Sometimes when I see Lucas needing the same things my dad did at the end of his life, I feel really sad. Lucas fumbling with his inept hands reminds me of my dad's hands at the end.

Specifically, Lucas smiles non stop. My dad was like that. Granted he was also a grump (particularly towards those doing his care giving), but with ME...he smiled.
And when Lucas gets tired, one of his eyes squints and the other watches you intently...just like my dad did. It makes me miss him.
And when Lucas's bottom lip sort of hangs down when he's relaxed. My dad did that. And (sorry to say) they both drooled..ha. And neither have/had teeth. Yup. The similarities are endless...and rather humbling. I know aging is not something people in our culture embrace, but it's still a reality.

I guess I just wish my dad could have met Lucas, but that's life. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they would have loved & enjoyed each other. That does bring me some comfort.


I guess I am just missing my dad. I remember more than just the end, but the end is still what is fresh. I remember when my dad's hands were sure and strong, not just the ineptness that came at the end. I remember when I was growing and my legs hurt so bad, he would rub my legs for hours to help me fall asleep and to stop the pain. He was a good dad. I am happy that my son reminds me of him, even though it can be sad sometimes. The true definition of bittersweet I suppose.

anyways...I wasn't sure I even wanted to write this blog out, but I have been feeling it and thinking it for a while and I guess it's okay. I hope it doesn't make my family sad to read it. We are getting together this next July, a year after my dad's passing, to memorialize the grave...his headstone will be placed and we will gather. It will be special to bring Lucas to that place. Shoot, I'm crying now. It sucks to lose a parent. It's amazing to have a baby. Having both happen in a short span of time connects them. Okay, I have run out of words. No catchy ending. Just good bye.


Mrs. A said...

If it makes you feel any better, I cried with you. This blog entry was truly beautiful. Just as Lucas is, just as your dad was and just as YOU are. :) You're a phenomenal woman, Jamie. I feel blessed to know you. Enjoy your reminders and feel them deeply. Your dad is likely speaking to you and that too, is a beautiful thing. <3

Becca Groves said...

Oh Jamie, you had me crying in the third paragraph. No lie. Thank you for writing this and sharing something so precious.

Lyndee said...

I am glad you posted this. No, you didn't make me sad. It brought me a sweet comfort that your dad is still in your mind and heart and that you see in Lucas what I see even from this distance. It comforts to remember and to share it. No one talks about him much. I would like to have a day of just sharing the wonderful, funny and even hard memories. I love missing him. It validates life.

Beth said...

I love this post. I'm glad you wrote it. I love you.


So Much to Love

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Always On My Mind

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